On Wednesday I poured my heart out in a blog post, and it was THE most hateful thing I have ever written. It was about myself, of course. It was quite the spectacle. Don’t get me wrong, there were some insightful thoughts in there and I am still finding those things helpful. But the overall tone was angry and bleak.
And it was the most popular piece of writing I have ever published, so far. That isn’t saying much for me, but that post alone gained me 6 new followers. Normally I’m lucky if I get one.
I appreciate that, of course, but I didn’t WANT attention on that post because of its negativity. So why publish it at all? I had to get it out, and I had to figure out how I was feeling. Like I said last week, hitting “post” helps a lot more than just writing something and saving it for myself. I don’t know why.
What does it say about our society that so many people could relate to a post in which I basically say that I’m such a horrible person that I don’t deserve to live or be happy? That’s awful. It really is. If you’re one of those people who liked it for whatever reason – I do hope it was helpful in some way, and I leave it up primarily for that reason.
I feel like I should present a more balanced account of the situation – one that’s more hopeful. Because there is hope in everything, if you look hard enough. This is a weird thing to talk about (weirder than usual) but it seems unrealistic to only blog about happy-fun-times. Or comparatively-not-that-bad-times.
Recently I’ve learned that I’ve made some mistakes – specifically, I just haven’t been treating someone I love the way that I should. It is tearing me up inside because I thought I had made a change. I thought I was “better”. This person is my favourite person in the world, the last person I would ever want to hurt, and worse than that I know he’s been through enough pain already without me adding to it, and there was a time when I would have done anything to stop it.
I was reminded of that last bit and that’s why I realized that this is a serious problem that needs to be fixed. It’s not just a mild annoyance or obstacle.
Back then, their pain was my pain. The easiest way to hurt me was to hurt them, and that is still true. Now, being me, I’m well aware of what my own weak points are. If I wanted to hurt myself, guess where I would start? They were never the real target. I was. They were just a casualty.
It’s smart, really, and I’m kind of impressed. I try to be a kind and optimistic person, but there is a part of me that has listened to the people who have said nasty things about me and done awful things to me over the years. This part has internalized those things and now considers them the norm. It believes them and so now believes that good things will not come to me, no one will ever genuinely like me, and everyone is lying, all the time. And that’s okay, because it’s all right if people treat you poorly if they have a good reason, and you don’t really deserve any of those things anyway. You’re too quiet and socially awkward, you’re not pretty enough, you try too hard, you’re not smart or talented enough. When good things happen, it tries to make me doubt them. “Oh, someone is inviting you somewhere? Someone is proud of you? Please, don’t get excited. They’re obviously being condescending.” A part of me feels that way and hates myself, and it also hates the people who made that happen. One of those people happens to be the one in question here, which is not helpful. It only gives me more reason to justify my own behaviour in my mind.
Normally I don’t realize quite how strong that part of me has become, but even when I do, I don’t view it as a serious issue because it’s only hurting myself, so who cares right? Wrong. If there is ANY part of you that hates yourself and is bitter and angry you will almost always hurt someone else eventually.
Watch: Someone cancels plans. They say they’re busy. Obviously they’re lying and they hate you. I get upset and angry. They are confused because maybe they meant nothing by it, and maybe they were bummed out about it too, maybe they really missed me, who knows. And now I’m mad for no reason. This type of thing goes on for a few weeks, and they think, “Why do I even bother? She’s determined to feel this way.” And then all of a sudden they kind of do start to hate me.
How do you think it feels to have someone you love not believe that you love them, and feel like your efforts aren’t enough? It feels shitty. Like really, really shitty. I know because I’ve been there. I wanted a lot of things when I was younger, but nothing more than for my best friend to just be okay, and I cried for more hours than I can count because I couldn’t fix it. Eventually I became a target for all of that pain too. I was so, so good at being a target, because I was devastated and heartbroken but it was okay because there was a good reason for it. I’ll stay, we can work it out, we’ll still have our happy ending. Maybe it’s good that I wasn’t allowed. I was never going anywhere and everyone knew that. And amongst other things, that is how pure love turned into self-hate and the tables were turned.
Now, this has been allowed to fester for a few years and it’s wormed its way into my skin like it’s part of me. It’s decided to name itself Depression and cause all kinds of trouble. But it is not part of me. That hate is not me. I stand for acceptance and love. I want love to win.
Yeah, I was hurt many times over, and no, that’s not fair. But all this is doing is turning me into someone who is just like those who hurt me. Am I really going to give them that kind of power?
I don’t want to. Although I was insecure as a child, this really all started because I was told that my relationship with the person I loved most was wrong and made to feel like I didn’t deserve that kind of love. They tried to take it from me and in the long run they never really could. But by giving in to this I am letting them take it away, this thing that made me so happy.
All of my self-loathing and insecurities and depression and anxiety and rejection sensitivity – all of that is pretty strong. I underestimated all of those factors for sure. But they underestimated me, too. By preying upon my weakness they’re simultaneously playing up my strengths. They’re making me lose the most precious thing to me but I will do anything to keep it. I’ve never fought harder for anything in my life and for once that might actually be useful. In ordinary circumstances I’ll attack anything and anyone that hurts this person like a rabid dog, and now that applies to me too. Well, half of me. Really, me? You think you can just come in here and ruin everything? No. Fuck you. Stay the hell away from them, and from me.
That’s important, it has always been important, but now it reminds me why I have to save myself for me, too. It’s hard to make improvements when you feel like it’s hopeless. At this point, even though I’m self-aware I feel like I’m not even worth improving because I hurt someone. I destroyed our future and then I just kept making it worse after that and worst of all I hurt someone I swore to protect. I broke a promise, the most serious promise I’ve ever made, the one that saved me last summer when I couldn’t find any other good reasons to live.
So I keep trying to convince myself that I don’t deserve to live now, but if I HAVE to then I don’t deserve anything that might make me happy, like food, or entertainment, or friends etc. etc.
And I’m fighting that voice and actively trying to cheer myself up because they would hate this. They would hate this so much because why would you ever want someone else to feel the pain that you felt in the past? They believed in me and I let them down but the ONLY way to fix that is to rise above it. It’s not a choice any more. You either fly or you fall.
And I have to do it on my own. I don’t have my roommates who kept my head above the water the last time something similar happened (which was really only a few months ago, good job). I don’t have them either, obviously. They’re the only one I really want to see – I need a hug, I need to know that I’m still loved. But who knows if that’s even true at all. They’re the only one who knows how this feels, but I guess that doesn’t matter when you’re on the receiving end. We said we’d always be there for each other but I’ve lost that privilege now.
They don’t believe that I care about them and, you know, like them as a human being, and why would they? I didn’t believe it either. I knew it to be true, as a fact, but I didn’t feel it. I was purposefully trying NOT to feel it. I think that I truly did learn and heal and change a few months back. I spent like two months straight just reminding myself of all the reasons why we made each other so happy and realized that I gave myself far more credit than I deserved. I started seeing new qualities and moments I had forgotten, and memories I thought I knew off by heart that I was actually interpreting all wrong. And then I buried all of it. Things have been irrevocably changed between us, thanks to my last mistake, and I guess I don’t deal with loss very well. I wanted things to go back to normal, I wanted to not feel lost and overwhelmed, I wanted to stop crying all the time again. I didn’t know what I was doing, only that it magically didn’t seem so bad any more. I was proud of myself for handling that situation, and I still am, but at what cost?
I went back in time to 2 months ago. I got a tattoo without telling them, and it was an interesting choice to say the least, and something that was meaningful to both of us. They said they were happy that I did it because it was important to me. Such easy acceptance. The same thing happened last year when I decided in a day that I wanted to move back to Toronto. “You should do it, it will probably be good for you” (it was). That’s it. They don’t even blink, ever. They always support me and they’re always proud of me and believe in whatever I want to do, and they are one of the only people that I can say that about. Even my own parents don’t do that.
I remember things like that and remember why we’re friends. It’s not about remembering how you feel as a concept. It’s about remembering the little things. Remind yourself of them and paint yourself a mental picture of someone who loves you, because they do. Let that override whatever doubts and insecurities you have and silence that hateful inner voice.
And now I believe it. I believe it and I will not let any of this negativity touch them again. I refuse to turn them back into a reflection of myself. The cycle ends here. Love is strength. Don’t bury it. Use it. Love is stronger than hate.
So. It’s going to be hard for a while. I mean, it’s always hard, but it will be extra hard. There will probably continue to be a lot of crying and not a lot of anything else productive. I will probably tweet a lot of song lyrics, because somehow that also makes me feel better. But I’m going to hopefully have my psychiatrist fix my medication on Thursday, and until then I’ll do what I can. I’ll spend more time in the office just because there’s someone there who makes me happy and I will convince myself that there is nothing wrong with that. I’ll get my shit together and wear cute outfits and clean my room and eat proper meals (why is that so hard for me?!). I’ll keep planning for my future and not let anyone tell me that my goals are stupid and impossible. I will write all the things. I’ll read and watch TV and watch Youtube videos because it’s okay to just relax every once and a while. And then maybe after a while I’ll find a way to make amends, we’ll be friends again and I’ll get that hug, and all will be right with the world.
They don’t believe that I love them, that I think they’re a good person, but I do. I do, I do, I do.
When the time is right, when there’s no way out
And I am losing something I ain’t got
When the love is gone and I’m all alone
I give it everything, I’ll give it everything now
When the time is right, when there’s no way out
I give it everything, I’ll give it everything now