I didn’t want to fall asleep or wake up without him, so I decided to just never sleep, so that it would never have to happen.
“You’re more trouble than you’re worth.” A phrase that pretty much sums up every boy’s reason for breaking up with me.
I was more trouble than I was worth when his friends didn’t like me, and when I demanded his attention.
I was more trouble than I was worth when I struggled with Depression and Anxiety and second-guessed every move either of us ever made.
I was more trouble than I was worth when I wouldn’t have sex within the first month of us meeting.
And now, I’m more trouble than I’m worth because although I manage my Anxiety relatively well, it’s still there, and that’s too much. I’m more trouble than I’m worth because I need emotional support, and I need to talk about my feelings.
When I was 13, in the eighth grade, my best friend got a boyfriend. Out of all of us, she was probably the last one you would have expected to start dating first. She was ‘too smart’ for that and kept to herself.
I was super invested in their relationship because this was basically the most exciting thing that had ever happened to me (I know). After this, I became even more obsessed with getting a boyfriend. Now that she had one, it was only a matter of time.
But according to her boyfriend, it wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be.
He said that in a way, once you get a boyfriend or girlfriend, it’s kind of all downhill from there, because from then on you’ll be gripped by the fear of losing them.* So basically, being single is better because then you don’t have a care in the world.
And at the time I was kind of like, “Yo, check your privilege,” or whatever the 13-year-old version of that is, because he had no idea what it was like (even though they had literally just started dating). I was dying alone and he thought he had problems?
But of course, he was totally right. Anyone who’s ever been in a committed relationship will probably tell you that. Until you’ve passed every single milestone you possibly can, you worry if you’re going to make it to the next one. Or maybe that’s just me. Maybe some people feel a lot more secure than that much faster and are so confident that things will work out that they have very few doubts. Continue reading
In January I decided to join OkCupid because I like making profiles and I was bored. I also just wanted to see what would happen. This turned out to sort of be a mistake (NO WAY) – I went on an “accidental” date with someone, had a massive panic attack and basically just freaked the fuck out all over the place for 3 days. I was not ready. My heart still belonged to somebody else and I am loyal to a fault. I also just wasn’t into this dude at all and had no idea how to say so because he was nice, and that scared me.
Am I ready now? Hell no. But will I ever be ready? Also: hell no. You’re never ready to lose the person you love most. You are never ready to find out that they’re kind of not who you thought they were (and also kind of exactly who you thought they were). But I was forced to go through that, so I might as well force myself to go through this too. It’s the only way things will ever get better. It’s the only way that I still might not die alone. I may not be ready but I might as well start trying. Things can’t get any worse than they already are, and the more practice I get the more ready I’ll be down the line, if something ‘real’ ever comes along again.
And so I decided to join every single free dating site that I could find. For science. Now, I know that online isn’t the only way to meet people, and I’m certainly not ruling out my real life options. There is actually a guy I know in real life who I like quite a lot, but he probably has a girlfriend and I also just found out that he’s about 5000x more successful than I thought he was (and I already thought he was pretty successful, so basically he’s way out of my league). So I can’t count on that either.
This is going to be a little series, because my blog needs an injection of humour every now and again. And I can actually be quite funny when I’m not too busy hating everything!
Today I’m going to tell you what this experience has taught me about myself so far.
**Abrupt subject change – I’ll get back to the serious stuff soon, don’t you worry, but I want to talk about something that makes me happy. Because there are happy things. It’s important to make the most of them when other things are hard.**
Sometimes I feel like a middle-aged married lady – I’ve been with the same person forever, or at least my heart has, and I don’t know anything else. I’m sort of bored and exasperated, but at the same time I cling to what is ‘safe’. The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.
The thing is, once you’ve fallen in ‘real’ love, anything else seems petty and trivial and just like a waste of time. For me, that happened when I was 14 (or at least that’s when I realized it), so I haven’t really had a chance to experience the typical teenage drama of dating life. I mean sure, I had more than my fair share of drama, but it was real shit. Tough shit, shit that still fucks me up even now. There was very little of the whole “Oh my gosh is he staring at me?” “Does he like me? Does he not?” “He said hi – what does that mean?!” type of thing that all my friends seem to go through. I always roll my eyes at them and tell them to relax and get over it. It’s not a big deal.
I’ve never really been charmed by anyone. Yes, I fell in love, and I fell hard, but I fell in love with my best friend, which essentially means that the entire time that I was falling, I didn’t even know it. I don’t remember any of that. Literally, one day we were just friends, and then we went to the cottage with some friends and we hugged, and then I secretly burst into tears because oh my god I’m in love. There was no in between.
I’m nearly 22 now, and well, after an experience like that I expect that I’ll never fall in love again. In fact, I expected that I would never feel anything more than friendship for anyone ever again. I was wrong about that.