New Romantics

***written November 2014 but I forgot to publish it oops…I still stand by it though. Newer posts to come soon***

For the past 6 months, almost exactly, I’ve been wanting to see one of my best friends but not been able to. I’m honestly not even sure why. And the other day I finally did, and I’m happy, but the results were not what I was expecting.

I’ve been saying lately that I have no expectations of anyone, which is more or less true, but I still have expectations of myself. I expect to feel certain ways and say certain things in different situations.

And that didn’t happen.

I was so just beyond anxious the entire time, partially because of the setting but partially just because I didn’t know what was happening. And then me feeling that way scared me even more, making me even more anxious, because that normally doesn’t happen. Normally I feel at peace. He’s my oldest friend and one of the only people I feel truly safe around. I don’t want to lose that feeling.

I also don’t remember that night that well, even though I was completely sober and it was THREE DAYS AGO. Maybe that’s an anxiety thing? Who knows. I’ve been noticing that a lot lately with important moments. I remember bits and pieces but not nearly as much as I want to. Continue reading

This is Me

You may remember the video I shared a few weeks back from Healthy Minds Canada about Cynthia Foster, who recovered from bulimia. Although we released that video first, I was actually the first video subject.

This video was shot way back in January. It was ready a long time ago, but after filming Cynthia, we realized that we wanted the videos to look a little different. We wanted to make them more personal, with photos and videos, and we wanted to add facts and information so that people learned more. We wanted to make them longer so we could tell a more complete story.

And the first cut of my video just wasn’t the story I wanted to tell. The story I want to tell is less about the way that I am, and more about WHY I am the way that I am. Oftentimes, people don’t talk about the “why”, and that is especially the case when it comes to bullying – it’s dismissed as a typical childhood phase, something everyone goes through, something that usually doesn’t have a long lasting impact. It’s all over when you graduate.

But that’s not true, and that’s why I am the way that I am. So we recut the footage that we had in order to tell that story, and this is the result of that. Because it was filmed so long ago it’s not perfect, and I would probably say different things now, but I still stand behind the core messages of the video – mainly, that before dismissing a person, you should always ask why. Find out what’s bothering them, step into their shoes for a bit, even if perhaps they aren’t behaving perfectly at the moment. Most people are inherently good, so ask why and try to find that.

I had a great time editing it but now that it’s been released, I have a hard time sharing it. I don’t know why really, I’ve said most if not all of this stuff in writing before. But it’s just different somehow in video form. More personal. The pictures and video from when I was a kid and in high school – even the ones that seem normal, I can see the story behind them, and I feel like now everyone else can see that too, even though that’s probably ridiculous.

I could just not share it, but that would defeat the purpose of all the hard work that we put into it, so here it is – my hope is not that you will understand ME better but that this example might help you to understand others in your own lives better.

I hope you enjoy the video and please share it if you think it might help others. ❤

Watch the Video Here