Jump (Then Fall)

3 months ago I had this very, very brief thing with this guy, and I never wrote about it publicly until it was over. Except I did write about it, and it’s been sitting in my drafts. I went back to it and was going to delete it, because it’s now irrelevant. But then I realized that that’s what makes it so important.

This is an example of how quickly feelings can change, of how wrong you can be about someone. How even the smartest girls can get all wrapped up like this.

The only saving grace is that now I know that this is possible – unlikely, but possible. Stupidity is awful, but it’s also fun while it lasts. Every girl deserves a little fun now and again, something that I had been sorely lacking. And I’m okay. I didn’t fall in love. And I’ve been through worse.

This post will probably make you want to punch yourself in the face, it’s so adorable. And it makes me want to punch myself in the face too for different reasons, because he didn’t jump, he didn’t understand, and we didn’t make it through those hard conversations.

Jump – written Mid-September 2014

I met you 23 days ago, and all of a sudden, my life has changed. 24 days ago, I was just focused on my career and on school.

It’s hard to explain why I was drawn to you, but I’ll try – you never pretended that you were perfect. You never put on a facade of false bravado – a bit, sure, as every guy does, but not much, and least of all with me. I saw your flaws very quickly and this made you seem real. A real person that maybe I could help. You reminded me of somebody that I used to know.

From there I learned that although you do and say very dumb (yet often quite funny) things, you’re also surprisingly self-aware. You have the ability to be serious – even though we haven’t known each other for very long we’ve had some pretty deep conversations and you randomly have these moments where you get really profound.

I’ve found myself wanting to spend 90% of my time with you, and wanting you to see all aspects of my life, even the not so great ones, just…because. Because I want you to know. I want you to know me.

Whenever I open up to you, you don’t always completely understand, but you try so hard to. I was dealing with some social anxiety and I couldn’t/didn’t want to go to a party with you – I knew you wanted me to change my mind, but you said it was okay and you came over before you left to spend some time with me. I don’t know if you know how rare that is.

I’m scared of all the hard conversations that I’m going to have to have with you, but when I’m around you, you make me feel like we can get through them.

I haven’t felt this way about anyone since I met my first love. This scares me the most. Because that was when I was 13 years old – I don’t know how to do this now. And I’m afraid I’m falling in love with you, too. For the past year I’ve been dreaming of falling in love with someone else, just because I knew things weren’t going to work out with the first one, but I can’t fall in love with you. You’re leaving.

I’m angry, because it doesn’t seem fair that I lost my first love and I’m going to lose you too. It feels like too much loss for one person, so young. I want to ask you to stay, but that wouldn’t be fair either. I know that I would never do the same for you, and you have more to leave behind than I do. I’ve always thought that I would do anything for love, but I never considered moving to the other side of the world. I won’t do that.

It’s bittersweet. I suppose I should be grateful that it’s even sweet at all, that I met you in the first place, that we have what little time that we do. And I am. It’s an improvement over the first one, which was just bitter in the end.

I’ve found myself starting to miss you when I’m not with you, even if it’s only been a few hours or a day. How much am I going to miss you when you go away for a weekend? A week? A month? Forever? I can’t even imagine. I don’t want to break. Not again.

Part of me is of the opinion that if I could get through the first time, I can get through anything, but the other part of me knows that the more times a thing happens, the more it hurts.

I thought I’d be fine, that this would just be a fun little fling, something to get me back in the game without hurting anyone. I realize now that you were right, that this probably will end horribly. Just another sad story. Maybe I should listen to you more.

But I’ll regret it if I don’t try. If I don’t make a fool out of myself and say all of the ridiculous things that I want to say. My ex taught me a lot of things, but the lesson that has stuck with me the most is to live in the moment the way that you want to live it. To me, that means not focusing on dumb shit, it means not letting anything get in the way of love, it means doing things even if they scare you. It means asking yourself, “Am I going to regret it if I NEVER do this?” And if the answer to that question is yes, do the thing. As soon as you can, as often as you can, because you may not have another chance.

With him, I was ready to jump whenever he said go, whenever he needed me, no matter what he put me through. When we were done for the last time, he told me that his new partner made him want to jump – off the cliff, at the chance, even though it would change his life in ways that he might not want it to change. That’s how I knew that he made the right choice. He finally described exactly how I felt about him (and I loved him more than I have loved anyone), except it was about someone else. What could I do?

At the time, I felt like it was only the right choice for HIM, not for me. But now I’m realizing that in the long run, it’s best for both of us. I deserve someone who will jump for me. I guess I’ve been conditioned to believe that I’m not worth that – that I’m someone who loves others and has to work hard to be loved back, if at all, because there’s nothing special about me. As much as he believed that he loved me, he didn’t really – at least not enough, not in the way that I needed him to in order to actually have a future. He does, in a way, I know that, but it’s not the kind of love that creates relationships.

And you, you beautiful, beautiful thing – you jump. You’re the things that he was – smart, cute, ridiculous, funny, there when I need you, believing in me in a way that doesn’t even really make sense – and you jump. You have that missing piece. You tell me things like that you like me because I’m different – not in big ways, but in that I really care about things and I do the things everyone else does but in different ways. Or that you want me to promise you that I’ll go out more, even if I go with you, because you think I can handle it. He used to say those things, too.

You dated your best friend, so I know you’ll understand how much he means to me still. I don’t know if I’ve ever been so confused – I’m ecstatically happy but still heartbreakingly sad. You remind me of the joy in life, but I miss my best friend. You are the best thing that’s happened to me in a very long time, and I want to tell him all about it. He’s gone and oddly enough I miss him more than ever now, just in a different way. It’s a different kind of sad. It’s a pointless feeling, and even more pointless to say, because no matter what I do he’s never coming back. But I wish he would, and I ought to be honest.

I feel like I’m betraying or defiling the past somehow by seeing someone new. For so many years I thought he was The One, and every single plan or dream or experience I ever had or would have included him. It’s hard to reconcile with the idea that maybe those things will be with someone else, even if I’m just as happy with you.

A counselor I had once told me that one day I would find someone who doesn’t replace the love I had for him, or undermine it in any way, but adds to it. She said that the love I had for him will inform my relationship with this new person, who would have a lot of the good qualities that he had but less of the bad ones. I think you could be that person. That’s what this feels like.

With you, I know exactly how much time and how many chances I have. There may not be a lot, but I want to use each and every one. I want to jump. As soon as you say go.

I’ve never been so wrapped up, honey
I like the way you’re everything I ever wanted
I had time to think it all over
And all I can say is come closer
Take a deep breath,
And jump then fall into me

Cause every time you smile, I smile
And every time you shine, I’ll shine for you
-Taylor Swift


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