Broken Hearts and Sweet Hypocrisy

Ok, so remember how I re-discovered all those old poems? And I was all, I hate everything I wrote in high school? Well, it turns out that that is not true, I only hate SOME of what I wrote in high school. This is a collection of poems about “a broken relationship, but more than that, they’re about one broken person and the secrets they kept, and someone who would have given anything to save them” according to the description I wrote on FictionPress. And the reason I don’t hate these particular ones is because they give me SO much insight into what happened back then and what my thought process was like. I think these are illuminating. There were 6 of them but these are the only ones that I think are interesting enough to share. (Note that I said ‘interesting’ and not ‘good’.)

I talk a lot about how tough this whole experience was for me, I did an entire speech on it last year, but no one can say it better than fifteen-year-old me.

Broken Hearts and Sweet Hypocrisy
July 2008

You laugh at those
who wear their hearts
on their sleeves,
when your own heart
is contained
in the blood that flows
from the slashes
you’ve made.

God, if only I knew where.

Countless tears I’ve shed for you,
your dark fate
playing over and over
in my head,
the way I used to replay
your passionate embrace.

God, if only you knew.

Saving you
is a dream
as attainable as reaching for the stars.
I thought if I loved you,
you might learn
to love
yourself,
and finally see
the beauty I saw.

God, if only you understood.

Now, the blame
has been passed on
in the hope
that she can help
where I failed.

I still love you,
I was simply bad at it.

God, if only you saw
how much I care.

The note on FictionPress for this one says that this was about me “losing my religion because nothing made sense and someone I loved got hurt”. Which I can believe is true because that DID happen, but that is cleverer than I thought. And if it counts for anything this stuck and I was never Catholic again, at least so far. It’s been so long since I wrote this but I still can’t get through the first paragraph without tearing up. When your memories are still burnt in your mind (even if they are vague) you really don’t need even slightly graphic reminders, because you’ve been playing this scene over and over in your head and in your nightmares, which you occasionally still get, for the past 6 years.

Excuses
August 2008

Grueling nightmares,
heart attacks in my mind –
you haunt me
even when
you’re not around.

Couldn’t hate you if I tried.
(And believe me,
I do try.)

“You wanna know the truth?” you said,
heaving
with the emotion of a secret
kept for years
and years
and years.

It was enough
to make me decide
that it was my
responsibility,
my fault.
My duty
to fix you.

But why tell a girl something
so sinister
as you were trying
to let go of her
forever
when she couldn’t help you
anyway?

Why?

Excuses.

This one is hands down the most fucked up just because of the simultaneous bitter anger and pleading love. That kind of sums us up in a nutshell. For the record, I don’t remember thinking this so I probably only thought this way for a very brief window of time because I was angry. I was pissed because he was like “HERE IS THIS TERRIBLE NEW INFORMATION kpeacebye” and I was like “WHAT THE FUCK DUDE WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS, WHAT WAS EVEN THE POOOOOIIIIIINNNTT”  and then he basically just ignored me for three months straight as I drove myself insane. I can say that because it’s kind of actually true. I can now tell you the point, by the way. Sometimes people don’t want you to actually help them, they just want to say words at you and know that you love them anyway. Which I did, I was just also freaking the fuck out. 

How Things Should Be
October 2008

I don’t want to think about it –
why would I?
I’m not suicidal.
Just because I choose
to make my own
version of reality
doesn’t make it artificial.
It’s just as real to me,
in my head.
But I swear I’m not crazy,
much.

My dreams are better,
beautiful and shiny,
and I glow,
because in my illusory world,
you’re here with me.
You never left,
I never died,
and she was never
happy.

Things are how they should be.

Now, this sounds really self-aware, but it’s actually not. At all. I’m definitely being like I’M ACTUALLY FINE. Granted I did not begin to seriously suffer for another year,and even then not SERIOUSLY seriously until last year, so I wasn’t lying, but like, come on. If someone is just like I’M NOT SUICIDAL completely out of the blue you should probably keep an eye on them. Also, the ending – WHAT did I think “she” had accomplished exactly? I mean hindsight is 20/20 and all but GIRL. Anyone with eyes could see that you were the one. Not The One apparently but the one for some time haha. Well, anyone with eyes who was also omniscient and could see what happened when no one else was watching. Yeah. It was really obvious. I had a point, I swear.

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