You, with your switching sides
And your wildfire lies and your humiliation
You have pointed out my flaws again
As if I don’t already see them
I walk with my head down
Trying to block you out cause I’ll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again
I bet you got pushed around,
Somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now
Cause you can’t lead me down that road,
And you don’t know, what you don’t know…
I’ll be living in a big old city
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
I’ll be big enough that you can’t hit me
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Nearly 3 weeks ago I was officially hired as the Creative Projects & Communications Assistant at the non-profit that I interned at over the summer. I’ve known this was going to happen since my last week there, I just wasn’t sure what exactly my role would be so I didn’t want to talk about it too much. Actually I still don’t know, considering that my title was just made up for me, but we will find out! Over the summer I mainly handled media related things but for the past year I’ve sort of been someone who just does anything and everything (except for for math and science), so who knows. But I am getting a paycheck and I have my own office now, for some reason, so that’s all I’m concerned about. I’ve enjoyed what I do so far so I’m sure it will continue that way.
This is basically the best thing that could semi-realistically happen to me. Let me explain that – I’ve mentioned (several times) that I had a dream to get married and shit, and I’ve come to realize that I also had a dream to have a tight-knit group of friends who would support me. These things will never happen. Not the way I want, anyway.
And out of that darkness came this newfound ability to be…me. Who I really am, I guess, not that I knew that as it was happening. Someone who can be highly functional even during her darkest periods, who speaks her mind and isn’t particularly scared of what anyone else thinks, someone with good ideas. And as a result I ended up building a new dream and the beginnings of a career.
In January my friend was telling me about this really cool job he had where he (sometimes) got paid for doing the kind of thing that we both love to do and are good at, and I was frustrated because I couldn’t seem to convince anyone that I was worth that. At that point I was still only respected if I did things for free, for other people. It hadn’t really occurred to me that I even COULD get paid for the work that I did, but once I found out about that, I started thinking that if he was worth that then therefore I was too, because that was the one playing field that I felt like we were equal on. So I made it my goal to get paid, at least every once in a while, but I didn’t really think it would happen.
I still didn’t think it would happen when I got my internship. This is a tiny non-profit with only 3 employees, and it was made very clear to me that that was all they could afford. But then one of them went back to school and down to part-time, and the executive director hired me to put in the other half of his hours, essentially. It was luck, or fate or something. Good timing. But even so, I wouldn’t have been hired if I wasn’t good at what I do.
So you see, given those circumstances this really is the best thing that could have happened to me, outside of the original circumstances magically changing. I fought for 9 years to make a boy love me even though I didn’t always realize I was doing it; I fought for this for a year and started from nothing and actually achieved my goals. I find this so interesting.
And when you’re bullied in high school or have a rough childhood, the cliche thing for people to tell you is that someday none of this will matter; the things that make you different now will make you special later. Someday all of the people who were mean to you will be working for you. Someday it will get better and you will be happy.
I didn’t get told this very much since I didn’t have a lot of people who loved me enough to tell me that, but when I did hear it I didn’t really believe it. I was kind of just like, “Thank you, I appreciate it,” because I knew they were saying it out of love but I also knew that they didn’t understand. Most of them had never been where I’ve been.
Except for one, and I knew because I was there, and I cried because even though my true difficulties were yet to come, something in me understood, and I told him the same things, and I was right. So when he said those things I still didn’t believe but I remembered that, and he is the only person who has truly seen me at my worst, so I had to give him a little bit of credit. I had to try.
“Someday” really did happen, and I never thought it would. I am successful at least in one important aspect of my life, or at least successful enough for now. They probably are too because they were all very intelligent people, but for once I am not lesser than. And I wouldn’t be here without those 9 years, and I wouldn’t be here without nearly breaking. I could never say that he gave me nothing.
And perhaps, perhaps my other “someday”s will come too, eventually. There is still a chance, however small, that I will meet someone who loves me and fits into everything I have built, and we will get married and shit. Maybe someday I’ll have friends that are the kind of friend I am, and they won’t take off as soon as something better comes along. Maybe.
This was just supposed to be a life-updatey post, but as soon as I started writing about my new job it became this long thing. And now I feel somewhat better, after having taken time to think about how grateful I am for what I have and the people who got me there. I plan on decorating my office with pictures of those people, the reasons, why I do what I do. So I’ll do the life-updatey one later.