Maybe

Bad Things Good Things
  • I am completely, utterly heartbroken and also confused
  • I made a fool out of myself in front of the guy I like
  • I can’t find a better way to say “guy I like” and I sound like I’m 14
  • I was maybe rejected?
  • He maybe has a girlfriend?
  • I have no plans for the weekend
  •  My new job is stressful to manage
  • My new job reminds me of my old job and it makes me sad and gives me deja vu
  • We might not end up having our next Active Minds meetings in time

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • Heartbreak and hard times leads to great creative output (at least for me) – even now there are 5000 things I want to write, even though I don’t have the energy.
  • We talked. It didn’t go the way I thought it would, but we talked. Finally. Eventually maybe we can even hang out. Hopefully soon. There is hope. Not for everything but at least for something.
  • But maybe it was endearing? Maybe he didn’t mind?
  • I never got to be a normal teenager – maybe I can be one now, but only the good parts
  • But maybe not?
  • Also…maybe not?
  • Having no plans can leave the door open for great spontaneous things to happen. Like a visit home or maybe even a date.
  • I HAVE a job, and the people seem nice, and it’s a new adventure
  • In the long run this might be a good thing
  • I now have employee discounts at 4 different stores (including Indigo)
  • We have a new executive who I think has great potential, and I figured out some key details for our benefit
  • I can buy a beautiful dress for said benefit because it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to
  • I beat some Candy Crush levels (this is more exciting if you know how bad I am at games)
  • I made progress on learning how to edit videos on my own
  • Phil and I finished not one but two major projects at work
  • My cat is adorable
  • Charlotte is the best friend in the world and met me for a spontaneous lunch
  • We’re also going to Ottawa in a week
  • Panera is delicious and I love discovering new awesome places
  • They also have a reward card
  • I also got a Sobeys card and Air Miles…reward cards just make me really happy
  • Maybe I can do something fun for my birthday this year. A trip maybe. Probably not, but maybe. Planning things is fun anyway.
  • New clothes
  • There are youtube videos to watch and books to read and tanning opportunities to be had and colours to paint my nails.
  • My hair is ALMOST ombre at this point

Those were supposed to match up, but the Internet is stupid. Tables should not be this hard. This isn’t a real post, clearly. Just me being up way too late.

Most of the time, even on the hardest days, the good things still outweigh the bad. You just have to start ‘counting’ the little things. Yes, some of those bad things are pretty substantial. Yes, they’re probably going to last a lot longer than most of those good things. But that doesn’t make those good things less valuable in the moment.

And this, this right here, this is the moment that I thought I would never be able to get through. I don’t think either of us really did. So many of my worst nightmares coming true all at once. And it is awful and I am miserable and even when I’m distracted there is no relief, because when you’ve known someone for so long and so well that they become a part of you, everything reminds you of them in some way.

But I’m getting through it, so far. And there are still good things. Sometimes I allow myself to be weak but I still try so hard and accomplish so much. I guess it’s all relative, maybe it doesn’t seem like that to other people, but given that I thought I wouldn’t be alive today, which is not even an exaggeration, I guess I’m semi-impressed. I know if he were here, the way he was before, now like now, he would be so proud of me. That doesn’t exist any more, but I know.

A long time ago I kept a journal in which I did this every day – I listed all the bad things that happened, and then I listed all the good things that happened, and I tried really hard to think of every single little one. I don’t do it all that often any more but sometimes I still do just to make a point to myself.

So today I did. And I want to know – what’s the worst thing and the best thing that happened to you in the past few days? One of the reasons I started this blog was to talk to people about real stuff – that would be a good thing too, for sure.

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