A good friend tagged me in post on Facebook that mandates that you must post 5 pictures of yourself that make you feel beautiful. I normally don’t participate in such things, but I thought that this one was quite meaningful. That’s what pictures are FOR, and social media is for sharing those beautiful moments. I think people forget that.
So this is a blog response to that, with explanations as to why I chose them, because I talk too much. I know I just posted, but when Facebook calls, you must answer!!
Ah, the good old days. This is my high school boyfriend (I only had the one) and best friend. Then and now (it’s just more complicated). We’d already been friends for 4 years at this point and this was technically our third try at dating (I still say that the first two don’t count). This period was the first time in my life that I really felt beautiful, and not just pretty, like the “girl-next-door”. And that feeling somehow stuck with me, even when I lost everything and my heart was broken. This particular day wasn’t all that special (…except for the fact that it was his birthday) but I remember that there was this other girl there, one of his friends who I didn’t know, and we were pissed off at each other at the beginning of the day because I was basically like, “Who dis bitch?!” and got jealous. Good job. Anyway, by the END of the night, however, when this photo was taken, I had totally relaxed because I realized that A) This girl was nice, and other women are not the enemy, and B) He actually loved me, and it was because I was me, not because I was some girl who could be replaced. It was a good day. It ended well.
Also, WHAT AM I WEARING?! Come on girl, get it together. You can do better. My hair/face game is strong though. Mike’s sweater game is also strong. (I also bought him that sweater. See, I told you that you can do better.) I would just like everyone to know that we’re both way more attractive now.
By the end of high school, I didn’t have very many friends. and I didn’t feel all that confident about going to prom even though I had been dreaming about it for years. And I had an unconventional night, and it wasn’t everything I wanted, but it was a good night, and I’ll be forever grateful for my old friends who came out and made sure that I didn’t spend the night crying. So I felt beautiful because of that, but also because I decided to spend $1000 on a dress – I talk about that dress a lot, and this is that dress. I wore it once. But it looked damn good. I wanted to be a princess and I didn’t have a prince or anyone else, really, to make me feel that way, but I could at least look the part. I made myself into a princess. The other one I included as well because it’s from the same week – our graduation. That’s me with all the people who weren’t all that nice to me. I am only in the photo because I was nearby and Mike’s mom (who is the best lady ever P.S.) randomly just pulled me into it. And I was like, okay then! But I’m glad I have this photo now because I feel like it shows that I rose above all that negativity – or if not quite that, I at least dealt with it, and I’m no different than them. Except for the fact that I have better style.
This is from just over a year ago. As the caption states, dandelions are my favourite flower, and I wanted to take some really nice pictures of me with some dandelions for Facebook. Just cause. So we had a photoshoot and I had a fantastic time and I think they did too. It’s a gorgeous photo, but beyond its physical beauty I put it here because of my eyes. Those eyes are INTENSE. If you think that my eyes just look like that all the time, they do not. At least not to my knowledge. And I know that I wasn’t even trying, it was because I was looking at the guy behind the camera. That extremely creepy stare is actually a look of love. And I have this picture of me when I felt like that, and it’s so obvious and written all over my face. And that’s beautiful, and love is beautiful, and this picture is beautiful.
But seriously, doesn’t it sort of look like I’m plotting to kill someone?
This past year I became the unofficial, and then official, leader of a group at school called Active Minds at UofT. We run events that help to increase awareness of mental health issues and create a safe space for students who may suffer from mental illness to come and talk. At the beginning of the year, I only wanted to join the club, but then this happened, and I discovered that I am good at it. Very good at it. I could do this my whole life. And it doesn’t necessarily make me feel physically beautiful, but it makes me feel like I can kick ass and take names, and it’s made me more confident in pretty much all other areas of my life too. Just knowing that you’re good at something can make a world of difference. Before this I didn’t have that.
And now we jump to present day! Or rather, 2 weeks ago. I already talked about this, but basically, this crazy amazing thing happened because I was brave and took a risk (for me, anyway). And I did it independently of anyone else, whereas usually, I only ever did cool stuff with or because of others. Also represented in this photo is my purple hair, which only lasted a week, but it was a result of me making the best of a bad situation, and choosing not to care what anybody else thought of it. I didn’t ask anyone’s opinion, and I didn’t plan it. I have a tendency to wallow in self-pity, but I’m getting better at not doing that and doing the best that I can for ME, even if I am alone, even if it’s not perfect. And that’s beautiful 🙂