Don’t Be a Fucking Asshole

**This is a LONG one and it’s probably not even great writing. I just needed to get it out.**

Somehow I’ve been successfully lying to myself for at least a year now. I mean, I already knew that, but I thought that it ended a few months ago. Nope. Still happening.

I’ve written, I don’t know, like four motivational posts on here that I either haven’t published because they’re too personal, or they became irrelevant, or I was saving them. Now I realize there is no point in saving them, because why publish them if no one will believe them? It doesn’t matter how good of a writer you are – you can’t re-write reality. Writing about how much you love someone or yourself is nice, but it means nothing if you can’t actually do it. I lack credibility, but I believe in all of that motivational stuff 100%. I do.

However, I also believe that all people are good people, and therefore I have always believed that. Well, most of the time. You see, when I was younger and I felt attacked and unloved and like I wasn’t good enough, I hated outsiders. It didn’t matter if they’d never done anything to me – I hated them instantly, on principle. I even hated the person I love most now for a little bit, before I gave in and got to know him. I never had that problem with friends though, which was good.

I was scared and defensive but I still found it in me to love someone else unconditionally, and put myself and my own dumb insecurities aside when I was needed. I was a good person. Yes, I wish that I had been more confident and assertive, but aside from that I am so very proud of my little self. She had no idea that what she did was anything special.

I lost that for a while – I got hurt badly and I became bitter and angry and cynical again, and eventually, numb. I stopped believing in people. I thought that I had recovered those traits that I lost, and I did for a few months here and there. But I have been lying to myself thinking that I’m not still bitter and angry.

Whenever I am hurt I get this way, and this is unfortunate because bitter and angry people hurt other people. And I have been hurt a lot, which means that I’ve gained years of pain to use as fuel and years of experience learning how to cut someone else down, protect myself and just generally be an asshole.

I always feel like I’m not capable of hurting anyone, because I am tiny and quiet and just generally unthreatening. More than that, I am the one who GETS hurt. That’s just my role. I’m the one who gets bullied, who gets broken up with, who is left all alone. I’m the victim.

But no – that’s what makes me good at what I do. I was smart to begin with, and I learned from the best.

There is a difference between FEELING like you’re a bad person and actually BEING a bad person. If you just feel like you’re a bad person, or someone else has caused you to think that, don’t because that’s silly.

But what do you do if you really are? Do the same rules apply? Am I supposed to still tell myself I’m beautiful and accept myself as I am and look in the mirror and NOT hate myself? I could tell myself that I’m a good person now; I don’t do bad things any more so therefore I can just continue on my merry way, which is what I have been doing.

And people change. If you really have changed then that is amazing and good on you, and you deserve all of the above things. But what if you haven’t? If you’ve hurt someone you love and you just keep doing it and literally do not know how to make it stop? Because even if you manage to transform back into the person they need you to be, you can’t erase the past, you can’t make them trust you again, and you can’t redeem yourself.

To disappear is not the answer. No matter who you are, even me, that will hurt at least one person at least a little bit. That doesn’t make a great person either. The idea is to stop hurting people. But man, if I don’t want to right now.

I’m not entirely sure if there is a worse feeling than swearing to protect someone, wanting to be their hero and doing everything you possibly can to make sure they don’t hurt, and then turning around and being the reason they are hurting. Really, there are probably lots of worst feelings, but for me I don’t think anything could hit closer to home.

Apparently, I now love people the way that my parents love people, a connection which I just made right now. I know my parents love me, and they do nice things for me sometimes and support me financially when I need it, but I am scared to tell them things because they are critical and rarely understand and rarely want to. They don’t know about my medication, or about my tattoo, or about the devastating “loss” that I suffered about 2 months ago (neither do you guys, but I promise it was terrible). They don’t say nice things about me. Most of the time they don’t say things about me at all but if they do it’s usually to inform me that I am doing something wrong – i.e. not the way they’d like it. They don’t believe that I’m good at stuff. When I tell them I am doing cool things they ask me why I think I’m qualified to be doing said cool thing. They’re never happy for me. When I get excited about something they tear it down, although they might come around later.

And now I do all of those things too. I don’t have children or a significant other, so you’d think that I wouldn’t be close enough to people to hurt them, and for the most part you’d be correct. But I have a best friend from several years back, and he’s the one person that I can’t live with hurting. I don’t want to hurt anyone, of course, but if I absolutely had to I would rather it was anyone but him. Needless to say we’re not really best friends any more, except in my head. He’ll always be my best friend and the most important person to me, but he doesn’t believe it, and why should he?

It was one thing when it was unintentional, when I genuinely had absolutely no idea of what was happening. But I do now, and if I said I didn’t know what I was doing I would be lying. I knew – I didn’t know to what extent, but it doesn’t matter how serious it is. There is never a good enough reason. But I knew and I didn’t try to stop it. I mean, sort of, but not really. I used to be the queen of “trying”, so I know what that looks like, and I know just how far you can go, and this isn’t it.

Yeah, I still have my good moments; I still have it in me to do good, but when you have more bad days than good days that’s a problem. When your friends are scared of you, that’s a fucking problem.

It doesn’t matter if I was a saint several years ago, and it doesn’t matter if I occasionally do something amazing if I can’t at least be nice every day. What you do every day matters more than what you do every once in a while. It doesn’t matter what else is happening to you or what happened in the past – it’s never okay. It’s just not. And you’re lying to yourself, again, if you think you’re not going to see that 15 year old kid’s face every time you try to fall asleep. You know, the one you made that promise to, who you let down. You stopped believing in them long before they stopped believing in you. And we may be older now but it feels like harming an innocent child, or kicking a puppy. It does.

I let 15 year old me down too – she is shaking her head and crying and she is so disappointed in me. I ruined all her hard work.

It’s hard to convince yourself that you’re worth something or that you deserve to be happy when you’ve done that. I’m on medication, as I’ve said before, and although it’s not working VERY well at present (if it was this would not be happening) it’s still trying to pull me away from thinking about this, saying, “Go watch a youtube video! Eat dinner! Clean your room! Anything!” But I’m telling it, “No, shut the fuck up. You don’t deserve to go watch youtube videos and do happy normal things.” Or my depression is, who knows! It likes to play for both teams. Which ever team is going to make me the most sad at the present time. Sometimes I’m an amazing person who has been treated horribly, sometimes I’m the shittiest person to ever exist.

So I guess if I have to make this useful for someone else, I would say don’t be a fucking asshole. Even if you can’t bring yourself to care about someone else right now, one day you will and you will only be hurting yourself. The end. But seriously, if you love someone, tell them. Show them. Don’t EVER do anything other than that. Don’t think that just because you’ve known them for years that little comments and reactions can’t hurt. Don’t think that they just know how you really feel. And above all, don’t think that they’ll always be there.

Yep. That’s all. I said I would be back with something happier but yeah I lied (again). I make no promises this time

If I sold my scars,
And every song I wrote

Said I’m sorry dear I let you down
If I could trade the stars,
And swallow every stone you throw,

Would I be sorry that I let you down?

Would you be afraid?
Would I be shameless?
Would you stay the same,
If I tore my heart out for you
-All the Way/Hedley

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