My tattoo (April 2014)

My tattoo (April 2014)

I used to think that true love, by definition, had to be mutual. And if it wasn’t, then it wasn’t true love. Obviously. 

But I have also always thought that true love is unconditional, unwavering, and unbreakable, forever.

I’ve been tested in nearly every way imaginable – disapproval from others, social isolation, lying, emotional cheating, distance, time, scary mental health issues, physical health, horribly awful family situations, questionable romantic partners on all sides, careers and school and things that leave you with no time for anyone else, weird psychics who turn out to be eerily accurate – all of the uncertainty in the world.

I’m pretty sure that the universe has now exhausted all of the possible things that could happen to me, short of something completely insane and improbable like the military, or jail, or murder, or death. Then again, I never really saw this last one coming either. Have I ever really seen anything coming? (I do, but refuse to believe it – I believe in you more.) Anything is fair game. But even if that set was complete, I would keep on doing what I’ve always done – stay. Work through it. I have taken every single risk that was ever presented to me, and more often than not they did not pay off. But I keep doing it, and I will probably always keep doing it, at least deep down in my heart, because nothing great ever comes without its risks and challenges. You don’t fall in love with a life or a particular set of circumstances, you fall in love with a person. And true love means standing by that person through everything, even if it has absolutely nothing to do with you. And I have done that. Not despite of everything – some things, sure, but some challenges only brought us closer and made me fall harder.

So you know, that sounds a lot like true love to me. I don’t think it’s fair to invalidate your own feelings just because they aren’t returned. Maybe true love isn’t always mutual. Maybe some people just get lucky. And I’m a lot of things, but lucky has never been one of them.

If I could go back in time knowing how the story really ends (instead of how we were both convinced it would), I would take risks I didn’t even consider at the time, take opportunities I didn’t know I had, jump higher and fall faster and further. Not to change the ending, but to make sure that I had a chance at happiness and love before our story was over.

I’d take control of our story before other people took control of it for us. Maybe I’d say yes that first time, because everything was different then. I would bitch all of those people out (as I’ve now become so good at doing), punch them in the face, and save us both a lot of pain and get rid of them. I’d tell us both to get the fuck off MSN and talk to each other in person. Maybe then I’d remember more. If I had to suffer no matter what, I’d listen to the doctor when I was 17. I’d follow my own dreams instead of yours from the start so that I would be farther ahead in life when the end came. And so that you’d have to have worked a little harder.

Those days when we were too shy to do much more than stare at each other awkwardly (also known as every single day up until now, and we’re 21) – I’d force myself to just do it and swallow my fear and embarrassment (do some googling or something, girl) and make all the first moves. I’d tell myself that it doesn’t matter what you look like, because if someone loves you, you could be wearing a beautiful dress or jeans and a T-shirt or a paper bag or nothing at all and it wouldn’t matter either way. It doesn’t matter if you don’t look like other girls. You’re fine. It’s going to be fine. Actually it’s more than fine, it’s beautiful. Don’t spend those moments anxious and scared – enjoy it and do everything you possibly can because you will not get another chance. There is no waiting until you’re older.

I’d tell you that you’re going to be okay and even though you thought back then that all you have is you, you’re wrong because you are never alone – I will always be there, whether you want me or not. And I’d say it every 10 minutes because I really can’t say it enough. I’d tell myself not to ignore those early worries, because you’re not okay and you’re not just having an off day, and I’d be more persistent and ask more questions and just be there more, and I would tell ALL of the people and I don’t care if you hated me.

And when you’d eventually say something like, “It’s scary because if I’m going to be with you, it would probably be forever” and start talking about our future and marriage and kids and getting my hopes up so high, I’d say, “So do it. Jump. Take the risk. I’m worth it, I promise.” Maybe I’d ask you myself just to see if you’d say yes after all.

If I had just one more day, I would try to do as many of those things as possible. I would truly give anything for an opportunity like that.

And it would probably still all end the same because you can only fight fate for so long, but at least I would have more pictures to put in my scrapbooks, more memories, more experiences, and I wouldn’t always wonder what it would be like.

So now the book is closed after so many years and I sit here alone in my new apartment, and it is wonderful but I wonder what you’re doing, and why you’re not answering my messages. If anyone truly knew what we were like, they would completely understand if I fell apart right now. But I’m not, because I know something they don’t. Maybe you don’t even know.

True love is unbreakable. All of its trials and tribulations have made me into a warrior. It is my strength and no one can ever take that away from me.

I am unbreakable, and you taught me that.

There’s a whole other conversation going on
In a parallel universe,
Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts.
There’s a waltz playing frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you’re looking at me.

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter,
I think a minute’s enough,
Just beam me up.

Saw a blackbird soaring in the sky,
Barely a breath I caught one last sight
Tell me that was you saying goodbye
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I’m on my own,
That’s how you tell me I’m not alone.

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter,
I think a minute’s enough,
Just beam me up.



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