I didn’t want to fall asleep or wake up without him, so I decided to just never sleep, so that it would never have to happen.
“You’re more trouble than you’re worth.” A phrase that pretty much sums up every boy’s reason for breaking up with me.
I was more trouble than I was worth when his friends didn’t like me, and when I demanded his attention.
I was more trouble than I was worth when I struggled with Depression and Anxiety and second-guessed every move either of us ever made.
I was more trouble than I was worth when I wouldn’t have sex within the first month of us meeting.
And now, I’m more trouble than I’m worth because although I manage my Anxiety relatively well, it’s still there, and that’s too much. I’m more trouble than I’m worth because I need emotional support, and I need to talk about my feelings.
When I was 13, in the eighth grade, my best friend got a boyfriend. Out of all of us, she was probably the last one you would have expected to start dating first. She was ‘too smart’ for that and kept to herself.
I was super invested in their relationship because this was basically the most exciting thing that had ever happened to me (I know). After this, I became even more obsessed with getting a boyfriend. Now that she had one, it was only a matter of time.
But according to her boyfriend, it wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be.
He said that in a way, once you get a boyfriend or girlfriend, it’s kind of all downhill from there, because from then on you’ll be gripped by the fear of losing them.* So basically, being single is better because then you don’t have a care in the world.
And at the time I was kind of like, “Yo, check your privilege,” or whatever the 13-year-old version of that is, because he had no idea what it was like (even though they had literally just started dating). I was dying alone and he thought he had problems?
But of course, he was totally right. Anyone who’s ever been in a committed relationship will probably tell you that. Until you’ve passed every single milestone you possibly can, you worry if you’re going to make it to the next one. Or maybe that’s just me. Maybe some people feel a lot more secure than that much faster and are so confident that things will work out that they have very few doubts. Continue reading
***written November 2014 but I forgot to publish it oops…I still stand by it though. Newer posts to come soon***
For the past 6 months, almost exactly, I’ve been wanting to see one of my best friends but not been able to. I’m honestly not even sure why. And the other day I finally did, and I’m happy, but the results were not what I was expecting.
I’ve been saying lately that I have no expectations of anyone, which is more or less true, but I still have expectations of myself. I expect to feel certain ways and say certain things in different situations.
And that didn’t happen.
I was so just beyond anxious the entire time, partially because of the setting but partially just because I didn’t know what was happening. And then me feeling that way scared me even more, making me even more anxious, because that normally doesn’t happen. Normally I feel at peace. He’s my oldest friend and one of the only people I feel truly safe around. I don’t want to lose that feeling.
I also don’t remember that night that well, even though I was completely sober and it was THREE DAYS AGO. Maybe that’s an anxiety thing? Who knows. I’ve been noticing that a lot lately with important moments. I remember bits and pieces but not nearly as much as I want to. Continue reading
3 months ago I had this very, very brief thing with this guy, and I never wrote about it publicly until it was over. Except I did write about it, and it’s been sitting in my drafts. I went back to it and was going to delete it, because it’s now irrelevant. But then I realized that that’s what makes it so important.
This is an example of how quickly feelings can change, of how wrong you can be about someone. How even the smartest girls can get all wrapped up like this.
The only saving grace is that now I know that this is possible – unlikely, but possible. Stupidity is awful, but it’s also fun while it lasts. Every girl deserves a little fun now and again, something that I had been sorely lacking. And I’m okay. I didn’t fall in love. And I’ve been through worse.
This post will probably make you want to punch yourself in the face, it’s so adorable. And it makes me want to punch myself in the face too for different reasons, because he didn’t jump, he didn’t understand, and we didn’t make it through those hard conversations. Continue reading
There is so much pressure on New Year’s Eve – it feels like everything I’ve ever done throughout the entire year has all boiled down to this day, December 31st, 2014. And it must be perfect.
I’ve come to realize that I’m not the only one. With that mindset, the holidays inevitably become a great time for reflection. It can seem like you get what you deserve on New Year’s – if you go to an awesome party or get a New Year’s kiss then you must have done something right; if you’re sitting at home, it’s because you made the wrong choices or didn’t try hard enough.
Last year, I didn’t have a lot of friends (not that I have a lot of friends now, but I have a couple more) and none of them chose to spend their night with me. One of them changed his mind a couple of days before because he needed to reflect. See? Not just me. But that just caused me to reflect too, which resulted in me crying in his car about the fact that none of my friends loved me and it’s just not FAIR because I try so hard, and I was just a pathetic loser and why did I even move away from Oakville anyway? Did I really think that would change anything? I felt so stupid for even thinking that anyone would actually want to share New Year’s with me. I spent it alone (technically my parents were there too, since I was at their house, but you know what I mean), and I thought, this is my life now. I was alone for most of the second half of 2013, and I would only continue to be alone in 2014.
Of course, none of that is true – not what I was telling myself, and not the idea that New Year’s Eve somehow represents your entire life that year. It’s just a day like any other. You can’t feel the difference between 11:59 on December 31st and 12:01 on January 1st.
ANOTHER POEM! I’ll get back to regular posts soon, I swear. I wrote this one for my Writer’s Craft class in grade 12, so I don’t think anyone I know personally has seen it. It’s a sonnet. A Petrarchan sonnet to be exact, according to the Word doc I handed in. I would NEVER in a million years write a sonnet without being forced to do so. Rhyming is so hard.
So this, I believe, is about forgiving my first ex-boyfriend for all the stupid shit he did. However, I believe that this was written BEFORE I found out the actual truth and not just the half-truth. I think this would have sounded more like “FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID ASSHOLE, AND THIS STUPID FUCKING SONNET, AND THIS STUPID FUCKING CLASS” if so. I did eventually calm down.
I could be totally wrong but I think that I was envisioning what would happen if I simply walked away – it might sound easier but I would regret it, and the ‘turn’ comes when I realize that things weren’t all the seemed and he deserved forgiveness.
A new year waves as it passes by
to mark the date of the day I ran,
my memories hidden, treasure deep in sand.
I thought escaping all your lies
was a better resolution than to try
fixing something forever broken without a plan.
Now we’re standing where it began
and my regret looms, a mountain before my eyes.
There you are at my feet, an obituary
of the life I left behind. Salty water leaks into my hands reaching for your hair,
flooding my mind with visions contrary
to what I once believed. Your steel glare
now replaced with clarity, you become the wronged adversary.
Forgiveness penetrates without the usual fanfare.